To: Ms. Shirley Mary Alexander
Date: January 24, 2019
From: Sin Jia Yun
Subject: Self Introduction
Dear Ms. Shirley,
I would like to use this opportunity to formally introduce myself. My name is Sin Jia Yun, a second-year Hospitality Business undergraduate at Singapore Institute of Technology. I graduated from Singapore Polytechnic with a Diploma in Hotel and Leisure Facilities Management.
During my diploma studies, I was offered an opportunity to complete my internship as a front office trainee at OUE Limited’s flagship hotel, Mandarin Orchard Singapore. As I have yet to experience the facilities management aspect of my diploma, I decided to take a gap year after my polytechnic graduation to work with E M Services, a facilities management firm. While I have learned a lot during my short stint with the company, taking a gap year has also ascertained my interest for the hotel industry. Therefore, I applied for this course and successfully secured a slot for the 2017 intake.
My communication strength is my open-mindedness to every individual’s opinion. As I believe that different perspectives will help to form better ideas, I am always keen in listening and understanding from the other person’s point of view. This strength of mine allows me to achieve a more honest and productive conversation with everyone.
My weakness is the lack of confidence when presenting in front of a large crowd. While I am comfortable with initiating small talks with my peers and strangers, I always find myself shivering and stuttering during presentations.
Being in the service industry, I feel that having the ability to communicate effectively is extremely crucial. Therefore, through this module, I wish to improve my writing and communication skills in order to speak with greater confidence during presentation or in a public setting.
Thank you for your time and I look forward to your classes.
Yours Sincerely,
Sin Jia Yun
Hi Jia Yun,
ReplyDeleteGreat summary of your formal introduction e-mail as you highlighted on the main points very clearly. Some suggestions that may help to improve your post. Firstly, for the subject, it would be great to write "Self-introduction of Sin Jia Yun" instead of a simple "Self-Introduction". This may give the reader an immediate idea who and what this e-mail is about just by the subject. For the third paragraph, maybe changing "the other person's point of view" to "another individual's perspective", something along the line.
Overall, I think the rest is good to go, for me :) Thank you for reading and have a nice day ahead!! :)
Hi Jia Yun,
ReplyDeleteOverall great job in your email as it was very easy to understand. Your strengths and weaknesses were explained in a clear and concise manner. Just some minor adjustments would be:
1. The sentence, "As I have yet to experience the facilities management aspect of my diploma, I decided to take a gap year after my polytechnic graduation to work with E M Services, a facilities management firm." could be changed to "As I did not experience the facilities management aspect of my diploma, I took a gap year upon graduation to work with E M Service, a facilities management firm." I feel the latter sets a more formal tone.
2. The second last line should be "during a presentation..." or "during presentations". You may have missed that out while typing in a hurry!
3. In your first paragraph, I think it would be good to add in what you will be covering in this email. For example, "The purpose of this email is to share with you.... (insert the 3 things you will be covering).
Hope this helps! You have definitely improved in your presentation skills since the time I have known you and I'm sure you will continue to gain confidence as you practice more. All the best :-)
Hi Jia Yun,
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed reading your introduction about yourself and am glad that you have found the industry that you have great interest in! I noticed that you have stated all the requirements in clear and organized paragraphs, which allows the reader to have a clear flow on the messages that you are sending.
Some points to highlight:
1. I think this line "Therefore, I applied for this course and successfully secured a slot for the 2017 intake" is not required because there was no mention of your degree programme in this paragraph. This may mislead readers into wondering about what "this course" is. In addition, I feel that the paragraph is complete without the sentence too!
2. In your closing, the word "Sincerely" does not require a capital "S" as it is part of a sentence and is not a word of high importance to be capitalized. You can refer to this website for more information regarding this: http://www.thewritingsite.org/sincerely-or-faithfully/ :)
Overall, I think you have done a great job in your email writing. It also seems that we have the same weakness too, so lets work hard together to achieve our goal of overcoming this weakness that deters us from being our best selves!
Regards,
Jovin
Thank you guys for all your constructive feedback! I will take them into consideration when editing my introduction for submission. Have a great weekend, see you guys in class next Thursday :)
ReplyDeleteCheers,
Jiayun Sin